There has been a lot about ‘First day at school’ on social media this week. It was my youngest’s Rocco’s first day. This has been hard, as so many times are, for parents of children who should be present, but are not. I really appreciated Rob Delaney’s tweet on this. I think about Liberty each year school starts, and look at the class she should be in, wondering who she would be friends with.
I also chatted with people who said that they felt emotional about their youngest starting school in a way that they hadn’t with their elder children. ‘Because he/she is my baby and there won’t be any more’, is what I heard. I reflected that I don’t feel like that with Rocco. In fact, I’ve not been able to relate to most of the ‘normal’ stuff like this that mothers report. I remember when Cosmo started his first day at school, seeing parents leaving the playground crying and I couldn’t figure it out at all – what is there to be sad about?!
Then I remembered that everything has felt ‘different’ for me since Liberty died. Pregnancy, birth, babyhood … everything. I just feel ‘outside’ of what other mothers feel somehow. But THEN I reflected that everything is different for everyone. Every single one of us has different experiences and feelings relating to everything that goes on in our lives. There IS NO NORMAL. It’s just made up, (in my view anyway).
I think it’s helpful to remember this .. at least it is for me. I’m not ‘different’ from the other parents, I’m just myself, living my life, as you are living yours. And I also reflected that everyone has so many different things that happen that change and affect their journey. I often feel that our family have lost so much. But what about all that we have? I tell you what, I can’t imagine any family in the whole world, has more love amongst the five of them – four alive and one gone – than us. And who needs more than that?