It is reportedly ‘VERY HARD’ to talk about Baby Loss.
I should know, I have been told this on numerous occasions by numerous people. Often by men and usually just before I am about to attempt to do it. Sometimes this has happened when I am about to try to talk about it live on radio or TV. (I have to say that this is not very helpful.)
Nevertheless, I do understand that many people, particularly those who have no previous experience of babies and/or loss or those who are not comfortable talking about feelings generally, find it hard. So, it can be hard. But it only if you decide that it is.
I have had a laugh on many occasions with friends who have experienced either baby loss or another kind of traumatic event or loss, about how silly/funny/meaningless/generally unhelpful it is, when people say, ‘I know I couldn’t possibly understand what you are going through’.
If you think about this statement it doesn’t make any sense. It’s just something that people feel like they should say. I don’t want to blame anyone here, I only want to open up the conversation and suggest that we challenge these stock statements and ways of thinking that are so engrained and meaningless. Statements which simply enforce, not only the taboo around baby loss, but also the idea that this isn’t an open conversation that anyone can join in.
So, for anyone who is concerned that they can’t understand .. I hear that you are concerned to say or do the right thing but there isn’t a right thingand anyway, it doesn’t matter.
Of course you can join the conversation
Of course you don’t need to have direct experience in order to empathise, help or talk about this issue
Of course it doesn’t haveto be hard to talk about it. Talking is not hard. Death is hard. Talking is easy and helps. It opens up the issue and lets the daylight in to try to heal the open wounds into becoming more manageable scars.
Of course you can try to understand. And it would really really help a lot if you did. It would bring us closer together. It would show a meaningful and strong action on your behalf to come over here and put your arm around me in real terms. It would make me feel much less alone. It would show us all that we don’t have be afraid of our feelings but that we can discuss them openly. It would probably help me to understand where you are coming from too, and reduce the distance between us all.
I don’t think it is hard for anyone to talk about baby loss. That’s why I am doing it all the time now. I think sometimes when we talk about it we might cry. But I don’t think that matters, not one bit. In fact, I think it is often a good thing.
We are all as individual as our fingerprints. Maybe in some ways we are all the same, and yet none of us will ever truly understand everything about each other’s life experiences. But please tryto understand what I am going through. And I, in turn, will try to understand you.