To Myself in January 20th 2011
Dear Sophie,
I love you. You might think that doesn’t make sense or it isn’t important, but it’s the most important thing of all. I know what has happened. I know that Liberty, your baby girl, has died and that yesterday was her funeral. You have no idea how you possibly survive and how you will ever recover from watching your husband carry your baby’s coffin. From trying to say goodbye before you had even said hello. You will.
These are dark, dark days and it seems impossible to imagine that happiness and light can lie ahead in your future, but it does. The love and joy that lie in your heart are still there. They are crushed and hidden from view, and maybe they will remain so for a long time, but they are there. One day, they will grow and flourish again. In fact, like never before.
The biggest question you face, is whether you can survive but also carry Liberty with you. Can you ever build a future that includes her? Can you be her mother and take her love with you? Yes you can. It is not easy, but you can do it.
It is important that you look after yourself and that you know that you are not to blame. Because you have, not just Liberty, but also your other children to think of, and they will all need your strength. You don’t yet know when or how your other children will arrive, or what challenge they will each present, but they will come.
Don’t ever be afraid to look into your heart, because you will find nothing there but love. You are, and will always be, Liberty’s Mother, and I know that right now that is an extremely hard thing to be. I promise that, in time, you will come to understand that it is also a wonderful thing.
Keep walking. There is light ahead. And that light is, and honours, Liberty.
Sophie